Posts Tagged ‘factorV’

My personal count down to 2012

863,478 – Roughly the amount of well wishes, hugs, positive comments and thoughts that we have received since our journey to parenthood started.

175 – Number of Lovenox shots I have taken (so far) during my pregnancy with Ian.

120 – I am 1 in 120 women who experience stillbirth.

28 – Weeks and 3 days, longest consecutive amount of time I have ever been pregnant.

15 – The number of letter is Ian Kenneth Moore and Lukas Clark Moore.

10 – Actually 10 1/2 years, the amount of time I have been married to my wonderful husband.  We live “for better and for worse” every day.

9 – Weeks plus a few days, the maximum amount of time I have left being pregnant.  That’s right, Ian enters the world no later than March 7th.

8 – At minimum the number of bruises on my stomach (see #5).

7 – Days between Dr. L appointments and ultrasounds.  Sometimes this feels like eternity.

6 – Bottles of wine J has stock piled for me in the last seven months.

5 – Factor V Leiden (clotting disorder, see #175).

4 – How many onesies I have bought in the last week.  It’s a start!

3 – Number of years we have been on the path to parenthood.  Also, represents Lukas, Ian and his twin.

2 – Parents waiting for their son to arrive.

1 – My one wish for 2012, bringing home a healthy Ian Kenneth Moore.

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So, the other reason I have been quiet lately is that I thought TTC was going to be a failure yet again. I took Clomid in mid June with no results. Progesterone level was too low on July 7th. I felt disappointed yet again. Thirty-seven days into my cycle (which isn’t unusual for me) I happened to run into Dr. L in the doctors lunch room where I work and eat lunch everyday. She asked me how things were going and I told her not good. Then she asked what day of the cycle I was at, when I told her she said you need to test. I wasn’t excited about peeing on yet another stick of disappointment, but I obliged.

To my surprise it was positive! This was followed by a flood of emotions, and a lot of “holy craps” and “oh my Gods.” Somewhere in this whole crazy mess I had actually ovulated on my own.

Shock is an understatement, I thought I was certainly doomed. I even made an appointment with the fertility specialist for the end of August (which I still need to cancel). I learned yet again that I am not in control of this part of my life. If I was I would have an 8 month old baby boy right now. Life is one crazy ride.

I am currently 6 weeks (which is very early), but because of my factor V diagnosis Dr. L wanted me to have an ultrasound to check for a heart beat to know if I should start Lovenox (blood thinner). I went for that ultrasound today. I thought it was going to be just a quick in and out check. Shock invaded the room again. The ultrasound to find a heart beat, turned into an ultrasound to find two heart beats. That’s right identical TWINS! So, not only had I ovulated but that one little egg split into two.

All of those mixed emotions, “holy craps” and “oh my Gods” hit me at once. All J and I could do was laugh. We laughed for a good 15 minutes in the ultrasound room. Behind the laughter is hidden a lot of other emotions. Right now I feel like I don’t know up from down, front from back; I’m excited, scared, and worried just to name a few. Most of all I just hope I’m ready for the ride.

My current strategy is to set short-term achievable goals, and hopefully that will lead to two happy babies that I can take home with me. Next goal is August 19th: see Dr. L and get another ultrasound that shows 2 beating hearts. I’ll make the next goal after that. One day, one week at a time is the motto.

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I have talked before about THE QUESTION (Do you have children?)

It seems stillbirth leaves you with more questions than answers.  Another question that can cut like a knife is… Are you going to try again?

I must admit I wasn’t expecting this question after Lukas was born, and I wasn’t expecting people to ask it so soon.  I guess it seems logical to other people that we would try again. However, getting pregnant for me is not a walk in the park, loss or no loss.  When J and I started down this path we told no one.  For close to a year I didn’t mention that I had stopped the pill and I definitely didn’t talk about the fact that I was going to need clomid (I ended up telling one person about 10 months in).  I felt like it wouldn’t help anything to talk about it and I didn’t want others asking questions about our personal life.  So, I definitely wasn’t ready to give an answer to, are you going to try again?

In the first few months after Lukas was born (8-11-10) I could not think straight, I could not even remember a day when I hadn’t cried.  J and I did not even mention trying again to each other.  We were grieving, just trying to keep our heads above water.  For me there were far more important questions that needed to be answered.  First off, WHY?  Why had my perfectly uneventful pregnancy ended in stillbirth?  Why us? WHY? WHY? WHY?  I still find myself asking these questions, and I don’t think that will stop any time soon.

By November the dizzying grief had become slightly more tolerable.  I went to have my blood drawn for a hematology work up at the beginning of the month.  I had an appointment with Dr. L about 10 days later.  I wasn’t expecting for her to have the results, and I had already decided that the blood work was going to be normal.  That we would never know WHY Lukas died.  So when the work up showed that I was heterozygous for Factor V, MTHFR, and PAI I was in shock.  This was the answer we had been asking for?

I still think that If we had not found out what the likely cause of Lukas’s death was that we would not have been able to talk about trying again.  I feel very lucky to have an answer because most babyloss couples don’t get answers.  I will admit that in the back of my mind there is doubt (doubt that blood clots were the only thing that caused the end of my pregnancy).  I think doubt and second guessing are never going to go away, but without great risk there is not great reward.

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Yesterday I was at Hallmark getting cards for some special people (Ok, I waited untill the last-minute to get J’s birthday card).  While I was shopping I found this sign.  I’m not really the kind of person to believe in “signs.”  I don’t really think that the universe was trying to tell me something in the middle of Hallmark.  I do think “signs” can be encouragement, and I need that right now.

I did not purchase it. Why, when you can just take a pic with your handy phone?

Shot count: 5

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The Shots

So the answer is… Those shots hurt.  It’s not the needle but the actual medicine.  I only got one noticeable bruise.  I’m sure everyone at the hotel hot tub thought that it was an interesting place to get a hickey, just left of my belly button.

It was also pretty fitting that last week was National Nurses Week.  This nurse got some repayment.

No pain no gain.

Shot count:  3 

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When I started on the journey to motherhood I thought that I knew all the terms. I have a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree in science for goodness sake. I was wrong. Here are just a few of the words I have learned new meanings to.
Caution: the definitions below are purely my interpretations and not technically accurate.

Infertility: your body not wanting to work the way God meant for it to. Also know as, all your friends and everyone you ever met is pregnant and you’re not.

Clomid:  the gateway drug of infertility…a drug that will hopefully get your body to do what it was meant to do.

Cycle days (CD): the fertility clock. There’s only supposed to be 28, but apparently sometimes you gotta count a lot higher.

Egg white: not for making an omlet.  Better for making babies.

TTC (trying to conceive): also known as trying to keep it spontaneous.

OPK (ovulation prediction kit): expensive sticks you pee on.

Factor V leiden (FVL): a genetic blood clotting disorder. Surprise, you need blood thinner when you travel long distances and most definitely when you are pregnant.

Lovenox: blood thinning shot that will hopefully prevent the worst possible outcome.

Stillbirth: the worst possible outcome that is never discussed or presented until God forbid…it happens.

I am trying to keep as humorous an outlook as possible in dealing with life…if you can’t laugh you will only keep crying.

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Patience is not a quality that I have ever had, but I think that maybe it’s the lesson I’m supposed to learn in all this mess.  My husband will tell you that if I want something I want it now.  I would say I’m just “driven.”

Example:  Ten years ago I was finishing nursing school and planning a wedding.  I was driving around 60 miles everyday to clinicals and addressing invitations at night.  Then within 1 1/2 months I graduated from college, moved, got married and took my nursing boards.  I seem to always have 20+ things going at one time.  Five years ago I was nearing graduation with my master’s degree.  I again was working full-time and doing clinicals when we decided to custom build a house, and sell the one we were living in.  All of these things worked out great.  The pieces fell into place beautifully.

Here I sit nearly 2 1/2 years later after we decided to add a child to our family trying to be patient.  Apparently my body has a different plan.  I hope that someday soon my body and my plan can get on the same page.  My doctor and I are trying to come up with a plan, but in the back of my head all I can think is maybe my body knows better.  The pieces of this puzzle seem to be scattered all over the floor.

Here’s to hoping that one day (soon) they will all fit together.

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