Archive for the ‘Stillbirth’ Category

Friend: comrade, chum, crony, confidant, backer, advocate, ally, associate, compatriot.

J and I are lucky to have some really great people in our lives.  One bright side of great tragedy is that you really get to know who much people care about you.  I have a very large stack of cards that we received after Lukas was born.  I remember some days dreading getting the mail because I knew there would be more sympathy cards in the box.  I would stand at the counter and read everyone, tears streaming down my face.  This went on for weeks.  Now I think how lucky I am that I have so many people who cared about J, Lukas and I.  I kept every card and put them in Lukas’s red trunk.  One day I’ll be able to read them again.

We got to spend a few hours with some of our closest friends on Sunday.  They’re the type of friends who let me talk about my infertility and the loss of Lukas without judgement or awkwardness.  I am lucky to be surrounded by some great people, and there are many more who are just a phone call away.

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.  -Elbert Hubbard

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Yesterday I was at Hallmark getting cards for some special people (Ok, I waited untill the last-minute to get J’s birthday card).  While I was shopping I found this sign.  I’m not really the kind of person to believe in “signs.”  I don’t really think that the universe was trying to tell me something in the middle of Hallmark.  I do think “signs” can be encouragement, and I need that right now.

I did not purchase it. Why, when you can just take a pic with your handy phone?

Shot count: 5

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There are countless resources out there for the just pregnant mom.  Numerous websites and books to tell you all you need to know about your growing child.  When I first find out I was pregnant with Lukas I downloaded not one but two apps for my phone (and then deleted these apps before I even left the hospital).  One of the apps even had a special section on food. From soft cheese to lunch meat to fish, you are cautioned on just about everything you consume.  The unfortunate part is that when you are told you can’t have something you want it more.

I’m not going to sit here and say that I didn’t have a sip of beer, fish while on vacation, or a turkey sandwich.  What I am going to tell you is that I can remember almost every bite or gulp that I consumed.  I have played every day of the 23 weeks over in my head.  I will also admit that I complained to J on a fairly regular basis how much it sucked to drink water while he drank a beer.  It took me almost two weeks to have that first glass of alcohol.  I did not enjoy it.  Pain is hard to swallow.

I will gladly abstain from all of these things if there is a next time.  Logically I know that none of this is why Lukas died, but self-analysis is part of the grieving process.

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