Posts Tagged ‘BLM’

7 weeks and Sleep

7 weeks today, my how time flies.

Over the last few days we have been trying to extend the time between feedings at night.  Typically we get around 4 hours between 10pm and 2am, which is pretty good for a breast milk baby (as I understand it anyway).  However, I return to work next week so getting more consecutive sleep is somewhat of a priority.  After enacting our “get more sleep plan” we have made it 5 1/2 hours between the late night feedings.  I’m hoping this is a trend that will stick/extend and is not just a fluke (fingers and toes crossed).

Next on our list of things to concur is sleeping in the crib.  Currently we do use the crib during the day for naps, but we have yet to try sleeping in the crib at night.  I’ll admit I have been very hesitant to have him in another room.  SIDS gets a lot of air time and as a mom of a stillborn son you worry about what else might take away your beautiful baby.  However, if you know about stillbirth you should know that it occurs more often than SIDS (this unfortunate truth is not readily known in our society and that makes me sad).  Ok, back to my point.  Having him nap in his crib during the day has been a great way for me to get comfortable with the idea and I think I’m ready to bite the bullet.  So maybe in a few weeks (on a weekend) we will attempt ditching the pack-n-play and opt for the crib.  I will probably be up all night starring at the video monitor making sure he’s ok.  We have the Summer infant video monitor and I can actually see his chest rise and fall as he breathes. This is the only way I might have some peace of mind the first few nights.


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One month.

Time flies!

Ian is already one month old.  Here are some recent pictures of my growing boy.

He did not like mom playing dress up.

In the last month we have started to get the hang of a few things, mainly feedings and a schedule.  J and I have started to get accustomed to less sleep.  Life with a newborn can be challenging, but most of all it is amazing.

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Just as when I was pregnant I have found something new to obsess about since Ian arrived.  As I stated many times during my worry filled pregnancy, it is hard to stay out of your own head.  While pregnant I was consumed with every movement Ian would or wouldn’t make inside my belly.  Now I’m obsessed with schedules and feedings.

Breast feeding is no joke.  I find it hard to trust that he is getting enough to eat.  I think that some of this comes from my background as a nurse.  At work it’s all about numbers, blood pressure, lab, doses of medication; breast-feeding is none of these things.  Sure you can measure weight gain (but only when we go to the Dr.) and count the number of diapers in a day, but sometimes it’s hard to not have the exact number of ounces he takes in.  I worry about supply, what foods I’m eating that might cause stomach upset….the list goes on and on.  Luckily the little guy is pretty resilient, and doesn’t seem to mind taking a bottle from time to time when my doubting interferes.

For now we are forging ahead, but as with everything there are bumps in the road (I’m repeating that over and over again for reassurance).

We went to the Dr. on Monday, and the little guy was up to 5.9lbs.  That’s almost a pound in 2 weeks.

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We survived 3 baby showers in just under 2 weeks.  I am amazed by the amount gifts we have received.  Luckily Ian’s room has a big walk in closet (this way I can store the 20 blankets we now have).  J helped me stow all this stuff away after each shower.

Surprisingly I feel ok having all this stuff in the house.  However, I am having some difficulty actually integrating it.  What I’m trying to say is that nearly everything is still in the box or has the tag still on.  I washed 2 outfits yesterday, but have probably 30 hanging in the closet with tags on.  The swing, diaper genie, stroller… all still in boxes.  The bottles and breast pump still need to be washed and space needs to found for the bottles in the kitchen.  I feel like I should have done all of these things weeks ago, but I just can’t.  I know that actually organizing/washing/unpacking all these baby items has no impact on the healthy delivery of my child, but the babyloss part of me says I can just shut the door to Ian’s room and make it all go away.

I remember coming home from the hospital after Lukas was born and going though the house removing everything that reminded us of him.  We put all the ultrasound pictures immediately in a drawer.  I had a baby count down going on a chalk board in the kitchen which ended up erased and face down in the guest room closet.  The empty spot in the kitchen cabinet for bottles was quickly filled with drinking glasses.

The term is “happily ever after.”  That’s the way all pregnancies are supposed to end.  This is the part I’m having the most trouble buying into.  Ultimately Ian will never know (or care) if washed all his clothes before he came home, had his swing set up in the living room, or read a parenting book.  So for now it’s the essentials that I’m focused on.  He has a clean outfit to come home in and once the car seat arrives (Friday) we will have a safe way to bring him home.  That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

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This and that

Since I’ve been on “house arrest” I’ve had a lot of time on my hands.  To fight the boredom I have been trying to find projects that I can do with out burning to many calories and more recently without having a contraction.

J was gone on a business trip a few weekends ago so my mom came up to stay.  We had a great time finishing things up in the nursery.  My mom is an amazing seamstress .  In two short days she was able to whip together a bed skirt, curtains, and finish the binding on the quilt she had already pieced together.

Since then I have finally finished some things on my list.  For several years I have been making burp rags and fabric applique onsies as gifts for my friends.  I had yet to make anything for Ian, so this week I changed that.

I have another shower this weekend in my home town.  It will be great to see old friends and get some more great stuff to help us take care of baby Ian.  I am sure nerves and anxiety will set in again, but we are just pushing on.  Today I have my “eye on the prize.”  We are so close to meeting, holding, kissing my little sweat pea.  I still have moments during the day and night where doubt invades, but most of the time I get a kick in the side (literally) which snaps me out of the negativity.

So keep moving baby boy.  I hope to meet you in 2 short weeks.

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We Survived!

This past Saturday I had my first shower.  I have not been to a baby shower since before Lukas.  This Saturday also marked 18 months since Lukas was born still.

We survived, and by that I mean Ian and myself.  I think like most babyloss moms I feared that by having a baby shower I would jinks myself.  I will admit that my anxiety level was pretty high.  It did help that my wonderful friends brought the shower to me.  Having it at my house helped tremendously.

My biggest fear; loosing Ian on the day of or shortly after the shower (two days have past and we are still good).  It is hard to keep the negative thoughts away.  I tried to not let them seep in as I opened each package, but it was hard.  Seeing all the adorable clothes and wishing that they won’t end up in a memory trunk in the closet.  Every second I hope Ian will get to use all the wonderful stuff.  Even now when I walk by the nursery I can smell the wipes and lotion.  It smells like a new baby.  Everyday we get closer to meeting and everyday I hope for the best.

Here are some picks from the weekend and the nursery.

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33 weeks

I am 33 weeks today and the anticipation is starting to get to me.  I woke up this morning at a little before 6 (thanks dog).  For some reason my anxiety level had spiked.  I had this overwhelming thought that something was wrong.  When had I last felt Ian move?  I remembered making my nightly trip to the bathroom at around 2 and I never go back to sleep without him giving me a nudge.  Now it’s 6am, usually I wake up for some reason around 4, but I couldn’t remember if I had done that or if he had moved.  I got up let the dog back in the house and still nothing.  Set up in bed for what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably 10 seconds.  Flipped on the light and whipped out the doppler.  Thank goodness for the doppler.  His heart beat was going strong, but my little sweet pea was sleeping in.  So all morning I’ve been pleading with him to wake up.  A little sugar did the trick, and I feel better now.

One day soon I am going to be pleading with him to sleep, but for now if he could just stay awake and move on a very regular basis I would be much less anxious.  Thankfully I have a Dr L appointment today.  I get to see my little man, which always helps.

Dr. L says she’s not pushing much past 36 weeks, so only 3-4 more weeks to go!

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Fear and Joy

Finding My New Normal is a great blog that I have been following for sometime now.  I think one of the reasons I feel so connect is because her son and mine were born only a few days apart.  So when I saw this blog link up I thought what a great idea.

I first searched my past posts for something that would fit the topic of managing fear in a subsequent pregnancy after stillbirth.  What I quickly noticed is that just like with grief there are good days and bad days.  I found posts where I was all consumed by my fear and anxiety and other posts where I felt like it might all work out to a joyful ending.

A few of the other link up posts have talked about making short-term goals.  I totally agree.  Setting the simple goal of making it to the next doctor appointment, making it through the first trimester, making it past 23 weeks (my point of loss with Lukas), making it to the third trimester, and so on.  I think that just like with grief there are going to be times when the fear and anxiety are unmanageable and times when happiness and joy will sneak in.  One thing that I also find difficult is not feeling guilty when I am able to find happiness and joy with this pregnancy (like in some way this will jinx me).  I find myself grateful for each day that I wake up still pregnant, each ultrasound picture, and every kick.  I often wonder if this would be the case if I hadn’t lost my 1st son.

The best piece of advice that I have received during my current pregnancy is:  This baby has a heart beat and a name, the other “stuff” doesn’t matter.  I find myself repeating this almost everyday.

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Below is something I wrote only a few weeks after Lukas was born into a quiet hospital room full of sadness.

One recurring theme since we told everyone we were pregnant with Lukas was, “it’s gonna change your life.”  What actually changed my life were the words, “there’s no heart beat.” 

My heart broke.

15 months of thinking about what it would be like.  Peeing on 20 sticks, all negative.  Making the decision to try clomid.  Not telling anyone our decision.

Then a positive, it worked.

Cruised through the first trimester with only a few bumps, and thinking we were safe.

It’s a boy

Lukas Clark Moore


The only scare was a false positive quad screen and a slightly painful amnio.

The halfway point, and only some leg cramps and nerve pain in my left hip.

Getting kicked from the inside and filling it on the outside.  Seeing how excited that made Jay.

Then the words “there’s no heart beat.”

My heart broke.

23 weeks of life, and my life has changed forever.


Birth: Hello Goodbye

Induction has never been such a dirty word.  When the nurse first said that I would need to be induced and give birth to Lukas the thought was unimaginable.  Now I think it was the best way.  It made it all feel real.

 I was really pregnant

I was really in pain

I was really heart-broken

I am really loved

I am really in love 

I am stronger than I thought I could ever be

I am stronger because of you 

I will always Love and Miss my first-born son.

Thanks to all of you who have shown your support and love to J and I through this very difficult year.  We will always know we are loved and supported in this journey.

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I can’t seem to shake a little thing called pessimism.

Round 1 of the plan was an epic fail and I have already decided (even though it’s too early) that round 2 has no hope.  I can’t seem to find a bright side.  I can’t seem to bring myself to find a silver lining.  My hormones are screwed up from the clomid and my face, neck, and back are broken out like a teenage girl.  My stomach is bruised from the Lovenox shots.  Every time I bend over I hit a bruise and every time I look in the mirror I see them.  All of these things are not helping me keep a positive outlook.

Who am I fooling?  Ultimately pessimism is my defense mechanism.  You see if I don’t believe it will work then I don’t get my hopes up, and if I don’t get my hopes up then they can’t be crushed again.  I’m just tired, tired of hearing it will happen when it’s supposed to.  What does that mean exactly, “when it’s supposed to.”  All that statement does is make me think that Lukas was “supposed” to die.  That most certainly is not true.

I’m sure in a few weeks I’ll be back on even ground.  My emotions will be in check and the brighter side will be easier to find.  This life of mine is truly a roller-coaster.  Some days I enjoy the twists and turns and some days it makes me want to puke.

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