First week back at work.

I started back to work last Monday.  Man it had been a long time, 3 months at home can get pretty boring.  I am glad to be back at work I really enjoy my job.  Don’t get me wrong I missed my little man like crazy.  J helped me make the transition back to work easier by watching Ian all of last week.  I was so thankful to get frequent picture text during the day.

First night spent in the crib.

We survived the week, so why not try sleeping in our crib all night.  We have been lucky that Ian will sleep just about anywhere.  While I was at home I did make it a point to put him in his crib for naps to help him get used to being in there.  I think this helped.  He fell asleep Saturday night without any real protest.  I however, fell asleep staring at the video monitor watching his chest rise and fall.  We still aren’t sleeping through the night.  Our record is 6 hours between feedings.  Mostly we make it 5 hours.

First set of major shots.

Today was our 2 month check up with Dr. H.  Ian has exactly doubled his weight, 10lbs 2oz.  We even made it to the growth chart at 8% (this is good considering we were at 1% last time).  Three shots for a little one is a lot.  I choose not to watch.  Two band aids and a few tears later all was forgotten.

Tomorrow marks the first day at daycare.

Tomorrow we start daycare.  I don’t know what to think.  Unfortunately for us daycare is a necessary evil.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Over the last few days we have been trying to extend the time between feedings at night.  Typically we get around 4 hours between 10pm and 2am, which is pretty good for a breast milk baby (as I understand it anyway).  However, I return to work next week so getting more consecutive sleep is somewhat of a priority.  After enacting our “get more sleep plan” we have made it 5 1/2 hours between the late night feedings.  I’m hoping this is a trend that will stick/extend and is not just a fluke (fingers and toes crossed).

Next on our list of things to concur is sleeping in the crib.  Currently we do use the crib during the day for naps, but we have yet to try sleeping in the crib at night.  I’ll admit I have been very hesitant to have him in another room.  SIDS gets a lot of air time and as a mom of a stillborn son you worry about what else might take away your beautiful baby.  However, if you know about stillbirth you should know that it occurs more often than SIDS (this unfortunate truth is not readily known in our society and that makes me sad).  Ok, back to my point.  Having him nap in his crib during the day has been a great way for me to get comfortable with the idea and I think I’m ready to bite the bullet.  So maybe in a few weeks (on a weekend) we will attempt ditching the pack-n-play and opt for the crib.  I will probably be up all night starring at the video monitor making sure he’s ok.  We have the Summer infant video monitor and I can actually see his chest rise and fall as he breathes. This is the only way I might have some peace of mind the first few nights.

Ian is already one month old.  Here are some recent pictures of my growing boy.

He did not like mom playing dress up.

In the last month we have started to get the hang of a few things, mainly feedings and a schedule.  J and I have started to get accustomed to less sleep.  Life with a newborn can be challenging, but most of all it is amazing.

Breast feeding is no joke.  I find it hard to trust that he is getting enough to eat.  I think that some of this comes from my background as a nurse.  At work it’s all about numbers, blood pressure, lab, doses of medication; breast-feeding is none of these things.  Sure you can measure weight gain (but only when we go to the Dr.) and count the number of diapers in a day, but sometimes it’s hard to not have the exact number of ounces he takes in.  I worry about supply, what foods I’m eating that might cause stomach upset….the list goes on and on.  Luckily the little guy is pretty resilient, and doesn’t seem to mind taking a bottle from time to time when my doubting interferes.

For now we are forging ahead, but as with everything there are bumps in the road (I’m repeating that over and over again for reassurance).

We went to the Dr. on Monday, and the little guy was up to 5.9lbs.  That’s almost a pound in 2 weeks.

I still find myself amazed that we actually did it.  He is really here, he is really alive, and we finally got the happy ending we were supposed to have.  Every day I get to see him grow.  I find myself laughing at all the different faces he makes, and wondering if his older brother would have made those same faces.  I love him and at the same time he makes me miss his brother more.  I will always ride this line of grief and happiness.  Currently I am trying to find the balance between the two.  Having Ian in my arm helps a lot.

J has been an amazing help, and Ian has been a champ.  So far, (and I hope I don’t jinks it) he is a mellow happy baby.  We have actually been sleeping well at night.  Last night I had to wake him up to eat.  Hopefully when we go back to the doctor next week he will be gaining weight and we can stretch out those night feedings.  For now I am enjoying every minute of motherhood.

Last week we were lucky enough to have newborn pictures taken by Kristen Mackey.  This is one of my favorite and I can’t resist posting it again.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

I choose to have a c-section. I know that this is somewhat controversal in the pregnancy world, but it was what was right for me and my family. I needed Ian in my arms as soon as humanly possible. Most of all I needed to have separate birth stories for my sons.

Surprisingly I feel ok having all this stuff in the house.  However, I am having some difficulty actually integrating it.  What I’m trying to say is that nearly everything is still in the box or has the tag still on.  I washed 2 outfits yesterday, but have probably 30 hanging in the closet with tags on.  The swing, diaper genie, stroller… all still in boxes.  The bottles and breast pump still need to be washed and space needs to found for the bottles in the kitchen.  I feel like I should have done all of these things weeks ago, but I just can’t.  I know that actually organizing/washing/unpacking all these baby items has no impact on the healthy delivery of my child, but the babyloss part of me says I can just shut the door to Ian’s room and make it all go away.

I remember coming home from the hospital after Lukas was born and going though the house removing everything that reminded us of him.  We put all the ultrasound pictures immediately in a drawer.  I had a baby count down going on a chalk board in the kitchen which ended up erased and face down in the guest room closet.  The empty spot in the kitchen cabinet for bottles was quickly filled with drinking glasses.

The term is “happily ever after.”  That’s the way all pregnancies are supposed to end.  This is the part I’m having the most trouble buying into.  Ultimately Ian will never know (or care) if washed all his clothes before he came home, had his swing set up in the living room, or read a parenting book.  So for now it’s the essentials that I’m focused on.  He has a clean outfit to come home in and once the car seat arrives (Friday) we will have a safe way to bring him home.  That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

J was gone on a business trip a few weekends ago so my mom came up to stay.  We had a great time finishing things up in the nursery.  My mom is an amazing seamstress .  In two short days she was able to whip together a bed skirt, curtains, and finish the binding on the quilt she had already pieced together.

Since then I have finally finished some things on my list.  For several years I have been making burp rags and fabric applique onsies as gifts for my friends.  I had yet to make anything for Ian, so this week I changed that.

I have another shower this weekend in my home town.  It will be great to see old friends and get some more great stuff to help us take care of baby Ian.  I am sure nerves and anxiety will set in again, but we are just pushing on.  Today I have my “eye on the prize.”  We are so close to meeting, holding, kissing my little sweat pea.  I still have moments during the day and night where doubt invades, but most of the time I get a kick in the side (literally) which snaps me out of the negativity.

So keep moving baby boy.  I hope to meet you in 2 short weeks.

We survived, and by that I mean Ian and myself.  I think like most babyloss moms I feared that by having a baby shower I would jinks myself.  I will admit that my anxiety level was pretty high.  It did help that my wonderful friends brought the shower to me.  Having it at my house helped tremendously.

My biggest fear; loosing Ian on the day of or shortly after the shower (two days have past and we are still good).  It is hard to keep the negative thoughts away.  I tried to not let them seep in as I opened each package, but it was hard.  Seeing all the adorable clothes and wishing that they won’t end up in a memory trunk in the closet.  Every second I hope Ian will get to use all the wonderful stuff.  Even now when I walk by the nursery I can smell the wipes and lotion.  It smells like a new baby.  Everyday we get closer to meeting and everyday I hope for the best.

Here are some picks from the weekend and the nursery.

One day soon I am going to be pleading with him to sleep, but for now if he could just stay awake and move on a very regular basis I would be much less anxious.  Thankfully I have a Dr L appointment today.  I get to see my little man, which always helps.

Dr. L says she’s not pushing much past 36 weeks, so only 3-4 more weeks to go!