Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

7 weeks and Sleep

7 weeks today, my how time flies.

Over the last few days we have been trying to extend the time between feedings at night.  Typically we get around 4 hours between 10pm and 2am, which is pretty good for a breast milk baby (as I understand it anyway).  However, I return to work next week so getting more consecutive sleep is somewhat of a priority.  After enacting our “get more sleep plan” we have made it 5 1/2 hours between the late night feedings.  I’m hoping this is a trend that will stick/extend and is not just a fluke (fingers and toes crossed).

Next on our list of things to concur is sleeping in the crib.  Currently we do use the crib during the day for naps, but we have yet to try sleeping in the crib at night.  I’ll admit I have been very hesitant to have him in another room.  SIDS gets a lot of air time and as a mom of a stillborn son you worry about what else might take away your beautiful baby.  However, if you know about stillbirth you should know that it occurs more often than SIDS (this unfortunate truth is not readily known in our society and that makes me sad).  Ok, back to my point.  Having him nap in his crib during the day has been a great way for me to get comfortable with the idea and I think I’m ready to bite the bullet.  So maybe in a few weeks (on a weekend) we will attempt ditching the pack-n-play and opt for the crib.  I will probably be up all night starring at the video monitor making sure he’s ok.  We have the Summer infant video monitor and I can actually see his chest rise and fall as he breathes. This is the only way I might have some peace of mind the first few nights.


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Just as when I was pregnant I have found something new to obsess about since Ian arrived.  As I stated many times during my worry filled pregnancy, it is hard to stay out of your own head.  While pregnant I was consumed with every movement Ian would or wouldn’t make inside my belly.  Now I’m obsessed with schedules and feedings.

Breast feeding is no joke.  I find it hard to trust that he is getting enough to eat.  I think that some of this comes from my background as a nurse.  At work it’s all about numbers, blood pressure, lab, doses of medication; breast-feeding is none of these things.  Sure you can measure weight gain (but only when we go to the Dr.) and count the number of diapers in a day, but sometimes it’s hard to not have the exact number of ounces he takes in.  I worry about supply, what foods I’m eating that might cause stomach upset….the list goes on and on.  Luckily the little guy is pretty resilient, and doesn’t seem to mind taking a bottle from time to time when my doubting interferes.

For now we are forging ahead, but as with everything there are bumps in the road (I’m repeating that over and over again for reassurance).

We went to the Dr. on Monday, and the little guy was up to 5.9lbs.  That’s almost a pound in 2 weeks.

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Two weeks

My beautiful baby is 2 weeks old today!

I still find myself amazed that we actually did it.  He is really here, he is really alive, and we finally got the happy ending we were supposed to have.  Every day I get to see him grow.  I find myself laughing at all the different faces he makes, and wondering if his older brother would have made those same faces.  I love him and at the same time he makes me miss his brother more.  I will always ride this line of grief and happiness.  Currently I am trying to find the balance between the two.  Having Ian in my arm helps a lot.

J has been an amazing help, and Ian has been a champ.  So far, (and I hope I don’t jinks it) he is a mellow happy baby.  We have actually been sleeping well at night.  Last night I had to wake him up to eat.  Hopefully when we go back to the doctor next week he will be gaining weight and we can stretch out those night feedings.  For now I am enjoying every minute of motherhood.

Last week we were lucky enough to have newborn pictures taken by Kristen Mackey.  This is one of my favorite and I can’t resist posting it again.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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As many of you know 2.28.12 was a great day. Ian made his debut into the world. The day was filled with anxiety, fear, but most of all extreme happiness. At 8:58 am we welcomed our sweet pea into the family. Just like many other times during my pregnancy I tried protect myself from being hurt again. I spent most of the morning telling myself that he may not cry right away, and that didn’t mean he wasn’t ok. The truth is that first cry was what both J and I needed. Tears were uncontrollable at that point. My sweat baby was alive and letting the world know.

I choose to have a c-section. I know that this is somewhat controversal in the pregnancy world, but it was what was right for me and my family. I needed Ian in my arms as soon as humanly possible. Most of all I needed to have separate birth stories for my sons.

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We survived 3 baby showers in just under 2 weeks.  I am amazed by the amount gifts we have received.  Luckily Ian’s room has a big walk in closet (this way I can store the 20 blankets we now have).  J helped me stow all this stuff away after each shower.

Surprisingly I feel ok having all this stuff in the house.  However, I am having some difficulty actually integrating it.  What I’m trying to say is that nearly everything is still in the box or has the tag still on.  I washed 2 outfits yesterday, but have probably 30 hanging in the closet with tags on.  The swing, diaper genie, stroller… all still in boxes.  The bottles and breast pump still need to be washed and space needs to found for the bottles in the kitchen.  I feel like I should have done all of these things weeks ago, but I just can’t.  I know that actually organizing/washing/unpacking all these baby items has no impact on the healthy delivery of my child, but the babyloss part of me says I can just shut the door to Ian’s room and make it all go away.

I remember coming home from the hospital after Lukas was born and going though the house removing everything that reminded us of him.  We put all the ultrasound pictures immediately in a drawer.  I had a baby count down going on a chalk board in the kitchen which ended up erased and face down in the guest room closet.  The empty spot in the kitchen cabinet for bottles was quickly filled with drinking glasses.

The term is “happily ever after.”  That’s the way all pregnancies are supposed to end.  This is the part I’m having the most trouble buying into.  Ultimately Ian will never know (or care) if washed all his clothes before he came home, had his swing set up in the living room, or read a parenting book.  So for now it’s the essentials that I’m focused on.  He has a clean outfit to come home in and once the car seat arrives (Friday) we will have a safe way to bring him home.  That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

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We Survived!

This past Saturday I had my first shower.  I have not been to a baby shower since before Lukas.  This Saturday also marked 18 months since Lukas was born still.

We survived, and by that I mean Ian and myself.  I think like most babyloss moms I feared that by having a baby shower I would jinks myself.  I will admit that my anxiety level was pretty high.  It did help that my wonderful friends brought the shower to me.  Having it at my house helped tremendously.

My biggest fear; loosing Ian on the day of or shortly after the shower (two days have past and we are still good).  It is hard to keep the negative thoughts away.  I tried to not let them seep in as I opened each package, but it was hard.  Seeing all the adorable clothes and wishing that they won’t end up in a memory trunk in the closet.  Every second I hope Ian will get to use all the wonderful stuff.  Even now when I walk by the nursery I can smell the wipes and lotion.  It smells like a new baby.  Everyday we get closer to meeting and everyday I hope for the best.

Here are some picks from the weekend and the nursery.

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The Chair

A little over a week ago my parents brought up “The Chair.”

This is the absolute last thing that was purchased for Lukas before he was born still.  My mom and I went to a local furniture store that weekend and pick out every detail of this chair.  We actually called and tried to stop the order that had only gone in two days before, but they wouldn’t (I haven’t been back in that store since).  When it came in my mom went and picked it up and took it straight to her house.  We contemplated selling it for a few months, but it seemed to fit in my parents bedroom without too much trouble, and it was really comfy.  Over the last month my mom had been asking when and if I wanted it back for the nursery.  Like everything else I had been putting it off.  Lately it has been getting a little hard to sleep on my sides in our bed and since we have an empty room just down the hall I agreed to let them bring it up.  At 4am the other night I could not get comfortable so I grabbed a blanket and reclined in “the chair” and slept.  My next goal is to fall asleep in “the chair” with my sleeping baby.

(Notice the walls are painted too.  That’s the only sneak peak for now!)

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My personal count down to 2012

863,478 – Roughly the amount of well wishes, hugs, positive comments and thoughts that we have received since our journey to parenthood started.

175 – Number of Lovenox shots I have taken (so far) during my pregnancy with Ian.

120 – I am 1 in 120 women who experience stillbirth.

28 – Weeks and 3 days, longest consecutive amount of time I have ever been pregnant.

15 – The number of letter is Ian Kenneth Moore and Lukas Clark Moore.

10 – Actually 10 1/2 years, the amount of time I have been married to my wonderful husband.  We live “for better and for worse” every day.

9 – Weeks plus a few days, the maximum amount of time I have left being pregnant.  That’s right, Ian enters the world no later than March 7th.

8 – At minimum the number of bruises on my stomach (see #5).

7 – Days between Dr. L appointments and ultrasounds.  Sometimes this feels like eternity.

6 – Bottles of wine J has stock piled for me in the last seven months.

5 – Factor V Leiden (clotting disorder, see #175).

4 – How many onesies I have bought in the last week.  It’s a start!

3 – Number of years we have been on the path to parenthood.  Also, represents Lukas, Ian and his twin.

2 – Parents waiting for their son to arrive.

1 – My one wish for 2012, bringing home a healthy Ian Kenneth Moore.

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Leaping forward

I haven’t posted in a while mainly because things haven’t been that exciting.  The good part of having nothing new to say is that I’m still pregnant (Yeah).  I didn’t want to write the same post over and over, about how anxious and worried I am on a daily basis.

Then a few weeks ago it finally hit me.  What if this actually works!  What if I actually get to bring a living breathing child home with me this time!  These thoughts were shortly followed by – Holy Crap we aren’t prepared! I hadn’t bought a single thing, not one piece of clothing, or any other baby related product.

Lately I have been feeling more positive and I have stepped up my game in the last week.  Ian is helping.  He moves on a pretty regular basis and always at night right before I go to sleep.  This helps tremendously.  So much that I have actually started baby registries.  Each average less than 10 things, but it’s a start.  I also bought myself and a friend the Baby Bargains book (it rates everything baby). On Christmas day I ordered fabric for the nursery and in the last few days I’ve purchased 3 onesies.  It’s a start!

The next goal is to go to Buy Buy Baby today and get some “big stuff” on the registry (car seat, pack and play…).  For this I have recruited my best friend.  I’m hoping that this will help defuse some of the anxiety.  What would really help is a large margarita or a couple of glasses of wine before I walk in (but that won’t happen).

The same friend I bought the book for has somehow talked me into a baby shower in February.  I’m not sure how she did that, but I am grateful she’s willing to put up with my anxieties about all this.  I know a few other people are setting in the wings ready to jump on the baby shower band wagon, and I think I’m warming up to the idea.  One step at a time.

All of the above is a little easier to deal with, because yesterday we had a good Dr L appointment.  I didn’t get in trouble, the increased calories have seemed to work.  Ian did well on the BPP (bio-physical profile) and actually passed the breathing part, which we didn’t think would happen this early.  He’s still skinny, but no more skinny than last time.  Yeah, for same old same old!

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Doctors Orders

I spend 50 plus hours a week working with cardiac patents.  I am constantly talking about heart-healthy diets and exercise, informing patients of ways to better their health and reduce the risk for heart disease and countless other health problems.  I’m not going to sit here and say that I always follow the rules, but I know my numbers and my risk.  So today when Dr. L told me to fatten up it just felt wrong.

Today was my first growth scan (I’m just shy of 25 weeks).  Ian was moving around like a crazy man and even had the hiccups.  All looked to be in order until she measured his abdomen.  He’s a skinny guy.  All other measurements were only a few days off of 24 weeks 5 days, but his belly only measured 23 weeks.  Not scary small just not as good as it should be.  This prompted more ultrasound images.  Dr. L wanted to make sure blood flow in the cord was where it needed to be and thank goodness it is.  The Lovenox must be doing its job.  So, Dr. L thinks I’m just not getting enough protein, not eating enough.  She basically told me to do the opposite of what I tell my cardiac patients to do.  She actually told me to not exercise, become a couch potato, and eat… eat… eat. So tonight for dinner I had a bacon cheese burger and fries.  Then J and I went to the store and spent $55 on stick-to-my-ass food.  I’m currently drinking an Odwalla Chocolate Protein monster for a pre-bed snack.  Dr. L also suggested protein powder, which apparently you can’t get less than 20lbs of at GNC.

Next appointment is in 1 week.  Fingers crossed we make progress.

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