Dear Sweet Pea
Hello sweet baby boy. Your dad and I have loved you from the moment we saw those two pink lines on a pee stick and maybe even before. We have decided to name you Ian Kenneth. We hope to be able to whisper this to you at night, and yell it aloud you when you’re naughty. Why Ian? For one we like it. For another it fits into our name game. I decided I wanted to have my own section of the alphabet: IJKLM. Ian is also said to mean gift from God or gracious God (which is pretty cool, because you sure are a gift). Why Kenneth? My paternal grandfather was named Kenneth. He was hard-working, loving, smart man. He loved family and saw value in the simple things in life. Kenneth is said to mean handsome (which you will be).
Everyday I hope and wish that you keep moving, growing, living inside me until you are ready to meet the outside world strong and healthy. I cherish each kick/flip and especially when I get to see you on the ultrasound screen. There are so many things I want to tell you, to share with you, people I want you to meet.
I love you more everyday,
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22 weeks today! Just typing that makes my anxiety and stress level go so high it’s hard to control. My biggest fear is that I might only have a few more days with sweat pea. It’s hard to for me to see a future past 23 weeks and a few days. We are supposed to learn from the past. Well my past, in regards to pregnancy, tells me that things can go wrong in a hurry. I have nothing else to base my thoughts on. I’m finding it hard to think ahead, to be optimistic. As a result my thoughts are constantly about this baby. Is he moving enough, are the movements getting weaker or stronger. Is he growing/developing correctly. I find myself feeling guilty when I get busy at work, what if I miss his last kick? Most days I wish I could stay home and sit with my hand on my stomach so I don’t miss a single movement. I’ve said it before, I want to be able to think about the future. I want to be able to picture myself holding a living breathing baby. I want to be that blissfully happy pregnant women. That’s never gonna be me.
I feel like I’m living on the edge of a cliff. It’s either fall or fly. The problem is I have no control as to how this all plays out. Either sweat pea lives or he doesn’t. That’s what the past has taught me.
I am thankful that I have so many wonderful people around me. The support Jay and I have received from the time we announced our second pregnancy has been beyond words. I am thankful for the those around me who are optimistic. I hope everyday that some of that will rub off on me. Also, I wish one day (say 14-16 weeks from now) I will be reading this post with a different past to learn from.
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Posted in Life, tagged babyloss, love, pregnancy, stillbirth on November 9, 2011 |
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In my early twenties I was just finishing college, about to get married, move to a new city, take my nursing boards, and start a new job. I did all of this in a little less than 3 months. I was so happy to be starting my adult life. I felt like there was nothing I couldn’t accomplish.
Currently I’m in my early twenties with sweat pea. Twenty gestational weeks that is. I’m actually 21 weeks today. This “20 something” is a lot different from my chronological age, and is very different from the 21+ weeks I carried Lukas. I was wasn’t jaded by the past.
Yesterday we had a big ultrasound. I refer to is as “the make sure everything is connected right” ultrasound. I have actually been looking forward to it for the last 2 weeks. When I got in the ultrasound room the anxiety hit. Worry that there would be no heart beat again, morphed into seeing something not developing right. My past seems to take a bite out of my happiness in these situations. I’m ready for my late twenties, to be followed closely by my late thirties. I’m sure the anxiety will only go away once sweat pea is in my arms, living, breathing, crying.
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