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Archive for March, 2011

Contradiction

Lately I’ve been feeling like the world is out to get me.  It seems that the forces of nature want to put everything baby in front of me, pregnant women, cute babies crying, even Babies R Us emails.  Today I clicked on the Pioneer Women blog and guess what her photo blog is about today…. Maternity photos!  All this does is make me want to hide.  I feel like I am getting punched in the stomach every time.  Some days I wish I had a tattoo, neon sign, t-shirt, something that said keep all your happy thoughts/baby related stuff to yourself.

On the flip side, many days all I want is for someone to ask about my baby.  To let me talk about Lukas without tears (neither of which happen often).  I would also give anything to be one of those women, getting their picture made, browsing the Babies R Us adds.

That’s right, the grief monster has turned me into a walking contradiction.

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Numb

This morning at work I went in to see one of my post heart attack patients. She was an 80 something year old and I thought it was just business as usual. What I didn’t know when I first walked into the room was that her husband had died less than 2 weeks ago. The numbness on her face, however, was unmistakable. The bottom line is loss sucks.

One thing I’ve learned is grief has no timeline. It seems that lately I wake up in a different place everyday, and sometimes that even changes in the middle of the day. Time has helped make the numbness less deep, but I don’t think it will ever go away.

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Spring

It’s officially spring!

The winter has been long.  I have cried a lot of tears, and tried my hardest to ignore the “holidays.”

And now spring is in the air.  It is wonderful to wake up to birds chirping in the backyard, working outside all day, and spending the night watching TV on the back patio.  I feel like the numbness of winter is slowly melting away.  Some days I see a glimmer of hope in the distance, some days it’s a little to hazy.  Shortly after Lukas was born I found these quotes.  They were hard to hear at first, but the more I read them the more they sink in.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops… at all.  ~Emily Dickinson

When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
~Author Unknown

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Travel Pic

Here’s a Travel Pic for a Wordless Wednesday

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Life is about decisions.  When J and I  married nearly ten years ago we talked mostly about not having kids.  Then something changed about two years ago.  We decided to start the journey to parenthood.  Foolishly I thought it would go smoothly.  I mean 16 year olds and crack heads have babies all the time, right?  Here we are after ten years of marriage, three college degrees, and two successful careers; but we can’t manage to “simply” have a baby.  This is one of the things that frustrates me the most about losing Lukas.

When J and I were in eighth grade (yes we have known each other that long) our English teacher would make us memorize poems.  For some reason to this day I can recite The Road Not Taken word for word.  For me it illustrates the power of decisions both simple and complex.


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874–1963).  Mountain Interval.  1920.

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Tick Tock

I never really believed in that biological clock thing until now.  Lately all I feel is that time is running out (not sure on what though).  Patience is not a vertue that I possess.  When my husband was making the header for the top of my page he said I had to include the pink flower (a wild impatient) because it was so fitting.  I guess I’m anxious because it took 15 months and 2 rounds of clomide to get pregnant.  My fear is that will happen again.  Except this time it’s all complicated by the risk for blood clots.  If you ever want to make a hematologist cringe start talking about hormones, fertility drugs, and/or long air plane rides.  So for now I’m trying to become one with my body (blah, blah, blah).  I think counting “cycle days” must be going to my head because I’ve been singing this Junior High Classic to myself.

To the tic-toc ya don’t stop
We knock boots till 6 o’clock, as we lay
All night long
And early in the morning she sang this song

[Chorus]
Ooh boy I love you so
Never ever ever gonna let you go
Once I get my hands on you
Ooh boy I love you so
Never ever ever gonna let you go
I hope you feel the same way too

- Konckin boots -Candyman, 1990

Do you feel the sting of AquaNet in your eyes?

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Fun hat

My mother-in-law let me go through her vintage button collection.  I found some really great stuff and have been using them to and a cool touch to many things.

A few nights ago I decided to add some to my new hat.  

I think It turned out pretty cool.

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