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Archive for March, 2011

Contradiction

Lately I’ve been feeling like the world is out to get me.  It seems that the forces of nature want to put everything baby in front of me, pregnant women, cute babies crying, even Babies R Us emails.  Today I clicked on the Pioneer Women blog and guess what her photo blog is about today…. Maternity photos!  All this does is make me want to hide.  I feel like I am getting punched in the stomach every time.  Some days I wish I had a tattoo, neon sign, t-shirt, something that said keep all your happy thoughts/baby related stuff to yourself.

On the flip side, many days all I want is for someone to ask about my baby.  To let me talk about Lukas without tears (neither of which happen often).  I would also give anything to be one of those women, getting their picture made, browsing the Babies R Us adds.

That’s right, the grief monster has turned me into a walking contradiction.

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Numb

This morning at work I went in to see one of my post heart attack patients. She was an 80 something year old and I thought it was just business as usual. What I didn’t know when I first walked into the room was that her husband had died less than 2 weeks ago. The numbness on her face, however, was unmistakable. The bottom line is loss sucks.

One thing I’ve learned is grief has no timeline. It seems that lately I wake up in a different place everyday, and sometimes that even changes in the middle of the day. Time has helped make the numbness less deep, but I don’t think it will ever go away.

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Spring

It’s officially spring!

The winter has been long.  I have cried a lot of tears, and tried my hardest to ignore the “holidays.”

And now spring is in the air.  It is wonderful to wake up to birds chirping in the backyard, working outside all day, and spending the night watching TV on the back patio.  I feel like the numbness of winter is slowly melting away.  Some days I see a glimmer of hope in the distance, some days it’s a little to hazy.  Shortly after Lukas was born I found these quotes.  They were hard to hear at first, but the more I read them the more they sink in.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops… at all.  ~Emily Dickinson

When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”
~Author Unknown

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Travel Pic

Here’s a Travel Pic for a Wordless Wednesday

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Life is about decisions.  When J and I  married nearly ten years ago we talked mostly about not having kids.  Then something changed about two years ago.  We decided to start the journey to parenthood.  Foolishly I thought it would go smoothly.  I mean 16 year olds and crack heads have babies all the time, right?  Here we are after ten years of marriage, three college degrees, and two successful careers; but we can’t manage to “simply” have a baby.  This is one of the things that frustrates me the most about losing Lukas.

When J and I were in eighth grade (yes we have known each other that long) our English teacher would make us memorize poems.  For some reason to this day I can recite The Road Not Taken word for word.  For me it illustrates the power of decisions both simple and complex.


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874–1963).  Mountain Interval.  1920.

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Tick Tock

I never really believed in that biological clock thing until now.  Lately all I feel is that time is running out (not sure on what though).  Patience is not a vertue that I possess.  When my husband was making the header for the top of my page he said I had to include the pink flower (a wild impatient) because it was so fitting.  I guess I’m anxious because it took 15 months and 2 rounds of clomide to get pregnant.  My fear is that will happen again.  Except this time it’s all complicated by the risk for blood clots.  If you ever want to make a hematologist cringe start talking about hormones, fertility drugs, and/or long air plane rides.  So for now I’m trying to become one with my body (blah, blah, blah).  I think counting “cycle days” must be going to my head because I’ve been singing this Junior High Classic to myself.

To the tic-toc ya don’t stop
We knock boots till 6 o’clock, as we lay
All night long
And early in the morning she sang this song

[Chorus]
Ooh boy I love you so
Never ever ever gonna let you go
Once I get my hands on you
Ooh boy I love you so
Never ever ever gonna let you go
I hope you feel the same way too

- Konckin boots -Candyman, 1990

Do you feel the sting of AquaNet in your eyes?

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Fun hat

My mother-in-law let me go through her vintage button collection.  I found some really great stuff and have been using them to and a cool touch to many things.

A few nights ago I decided to add some to my new hat.  

I think It turned out pretty cool.

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24 hours

In the short span of 24 hours the cycle of life has made itself know.

Last night I found out that one of my BLM friends was pregnant.  I was so excited for her.  I was glad that someone who I know and had been through what I have been through would be starting the rainbow baby journey.  I planned on learning from her what emotions and crazy thoughts come with being pregnant after loss.

Then the dreaded text: I’m bleeding.  CRAP!  Not even 24 hours later.

These texts were then followed by a phone call on my way home from another dear friend.  When I saw the caller ID I thought she wanted to meet for dinner.  Wrong!  “I’m pregnant.”

If there’s one thing that every BLM wishes it is that no one else ever has to go through what we have gone through.  However, that doesn’t stop the gut punch.  My mouth is telling you how excited I am (and I am), but my gut is saying not so fast.  You see you can do everything right and still, still things don’t always turn out the way you want.

Life is a roller-coaster, and right now I want my money back.

 

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Gift

Jess (a good friend) gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Stella on February 25th.  I got to go visit her recently.  I was expecting this to be very difficult, but actually I didn’t even cry.  Stella being born happy and healthy gives me hope that one day soon I can have a happy healthy baby.

You see Jess also has Factor V (FVL), and found out the hard way also.  She didn’t have a stillbirth, but instead a large pulmonary embolism several years ago.  The blood clot caused her lung to collapses.  Jess has been on blood thinners since then.  I luckily haven’t had any life threatening events due to FVL.  Lukas likely saved my life (which is one of the few positives in this unimaginable travesty).  He was truly a gift.

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This post is by my husband Lifeofletter10.com

I have worked on some crazy art projects for clients, family and friends.  Some of them would make you laugh…this one might make you cry.  The most difficult piece of art that I have ever (and hopefully will ever) had to work on is the headstone for my son’s gravesite.  If you have read my other posts you know the story of our son Lukas, so I am not going to get into the details.  If you want to know the full story check out the Lukas Clark Moore post.  It has taken us a long time to get this memorial done and we finally have a picture from the stone maker.  I can’t wait for it to be set at the gravesite so we have something to visit.

I wanted this headstone to be special and illustrate the love that my wife and I have for our son without it being generic and the standard design people in our situation might use.  I had already done an art piece for the wall in his room, that will never get made.  My wife had found this fabric pattern and had planned to make the bedding for his crib out of it and my art piece used the same design to tie everything together.  It only seemed fitting to incorporate this design into his headstone.

I am a weird guy sometimes, and I am fully aware of this.  I think that strange things happen in life and the coinsidences surrounding them are often the strangest things of all.  As you know by the name of my blog and business my name, Jay, is the 10th letter of the alphabet.  My wife’s name starts with a “K” (11th letter) and we chose Lukas in part because it starts with the letter “L” (12th letter).  We discovered after selecting this pattern that there were only 12 animals used.  I can’t fight that coinsidence.  We also ended up burying our son on August 12, 2010.

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